The space between the storms

Note: wrote this post last week on vacation. Publishing now.

Miranda Lambert accompanies me as I sit in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows at the Marriott airport hotel in Nashville, just hours before I’ll head back home to Oklahoma – a place Miranda also calls home. I titled this post when I was 20,000 feet in the air on our way to Tennessee last Thursday, wanting to follow up on my post about growing up in Tornado Alley. It’s fitting that it’s pouring rain outside. That’s the way of life – sunshine, storms and back again.

I wanted to write about being human, about the importance of giving ourselves space between the storms to regroup and unwind. To allow ourselves to cry and gather strength for what comes next.

Our vacation to Colorado had been set long before the EF5 tornado hit central Oklahoma on May 20th and left 24 dead. I gave myself space to see what good I could do – something to help the teachers of Briarwood and Plaza Towers where the courageous teachers not only shielded students but went above and beyond well after the storm.

With breathing space in the mountains of Colorado, I decided the benefit “Authors Love Teachers” could help pay tribute to teachers and I called on my author friends around the country to help. Authors have been extremely generous with their book boxes and bundles which will be auctioned off on eBay between June 15th and June 25th. See the full list in photos on our Facebook page. Full information will be listed on Facebook as well as on buzzbooksusa.com. Full proceeds from the auction will benefit the teachers and staff to get as many items as we can on their wish list.

Two days after the Moore tornado, I gave a workshop to executive women on the importance of giving ourselves space to allow creativity. We also discussed the biggest creativity busters, the top among them being stress and anxiety. This time I was able to physically give myself that space with the fresh air in the Colorado mountains, but usually we must find that peace amidst our day to day life, right where we live, even if that means among the ruins.

Because even if we away, we will get hit again. You know a storm of some sort will always be around the corner, whether it’s in the skies or our jobs or families or other tragedies near or far.

Three days after we returned from our peaceful trip, central Oklahoma was under a tornado watch again, even while I was emailing authors to confirm their donations for the recovery from the last tornado. The watch turned into warnings to panic as thousands of Oklahomans decided it would be better to get out of the way of the new powerful tornado with the multi-vortices. Their decision to flee caused gridlock on the highways as rain poured down causing flash flooding. The sick feeling returned – “here we are again,” as I went to bed that Friday night knowing people would be dead. The storm didn’t stay on the track the experts predicted -storms can be that way. If we knew exactly what would happen in our lives, how much easier it would be to set the course. Instead we do what we can with the information we have and hitch our morals on “doing no harm.” Normally it works. Normally we stick together and those that remain know we’re the ones who must work to make a difference.

When we checked the forecast for Nashville, we knew there was a chance for storms, and it did storm two of the four days we were here, but life is about being flexible and not planning for perfect. A vacation will likely not go the way we had pictured. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Lately Oklahoma has seen more valleys, but the peak comes from our attitudes and our actions; our strength in rebuilding and making the most of the space between the storms.

As I wrap up this post, Pandora has randomly given me Carrie Underwood’s, “See You Again,” from her Blown Away album. I used to be surprised when coincidences like that occurred, but not anymore. The universe has a way of staying in sync, of giving us what we want when we least expect it – big or small. Today was the first time I’d heard that song, but Carrie has been a big part of this trip and a big part of Nashville, period. Her Blown Away tour exhibit opened last week at the Country Music Hall of Fame and I saw it on Friday. Her latest tour was based on a tornado theme, but Carrie grew up in Oklahoma and Tornado Alley just like I did. It seems rather natural, though it’s eerie. Storms have a way of inspiring us; we can find creativity in our darkest days. We know life is unpredictable and too short. We should go ahead do those things that need to be done. Sooner than later.

Carrie donated a million dollars to the relief efforts from the May 20th tornado. She’s a young queen here in Nashville and Oklahoma is proud to call her our own.

Now it’s our turn to help. I’m hoping for a great auction and ask that you help me spread the word so we can gift teachers with those items they need to feel great about their upcoming school year.

Thank you for being generous you.

On Twisters, Teachers and Time

Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.

If you’re raised in Oklahoma, tornadoes become a character in your life story. Growing up in western Oklahoma, we regularly trekked to the neighbor’s cellar in their backyard – typically in the middle of the night. The dank smell, tight quarters and spider companions didn’t ease your fear that a swirling villian had interrupted your dreams. But we were together.

We also had a “hidey hole” in later years and thankfully didn’t have to visit it often, but the history of the Woodward tornado from 1947 that left 185 dead was a reminder that it had happened before and it could happen again. In springtime Oklahoma, you get birds chirping and sirens blaring. But you’re thankful for those sirens because unlike that storm sixty years ago, when twisters hit today, we have technology on our side – TVs, Internet, texting. In fact, on my 40th birthday last year, a group of girlfriends spent the weekend with me at a lake house in Texas and Woodward was hit that night. (We had the big screen TV on live storm coverage all night.) My best friend from high school was a former reporter and she worked with the metro news station to get sources pulled together from our safe spot in our bunk beds in that lakehouse. We had spent frantic minutes texting our loved ones whose power was out telling them to stay in the cellar. That’s what we do in Oklahoma, stick together.

We’ve got each other’s backs, before and after the storm. That same reporter friend, Tina McGarry, was the one texting me last Sunday when a tornado was on its way to my neighborhood in the suburb. If she hadn’t let me know, my husband and boys could’ve still been at the sno cone stand when it ended up causing damage to the neighborhood to our north. Close call, but that tornado was weak. What happened the next day was surreal, not only because it nearly matched the path of the May 3, 1999 tornado, but because you’re never as emotionally ready as you think you’ll be when the worst happens. My whole body seemed to turn in on itself as I watched the massive tornado on TV bearing down on the southern part of our city. The debris of grief was nationwide. We all hurt for the towns affected. But we grow up learning to “dust yourself off and get back on the horse”. (Sometimes literally.)

So it’s no surprise to we Okies that the relief efforts show us coming out from shelter ready to help each other. We grew up knowing to make the most of each day. The old saying goes, “if you don’t like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a minute.” Storm clouds, blue skies, snowstorms, dust storms, dry spells and tornadoes come with the territory. But thankfully so do really great people with big hearts.

Sharing my 40th birthday with good friends and tornadoes. (With Tina McGarry)

That includes our teachers. We’re not surprised that Newtown teachers protected their students or that our Moore teachers shielded their students with their bodies. What drives them to the profession is a love for teaching, learning and kids.  Both of my sisters are teachers. One works in a daycare and the other teaches emotionally disabled kids in a public school. I marvel that teachers do what they do each day and we should thank them with pay raises, respect and our gratitude and support.

Takeaway? Besides how awesome people can be? Time is fleeting, but by staying in the present moment, we get the opportunity to feel grace and gratitude that we get to be here at all. Lift your head up from your phone and see, listen and touch the things around you. Isn’t it a blessing that we get to do this?

That’s what the hard times show us: how we can persevere, how the good times are sweeter and just around the bend.

Dusting off, hoisting ourselves up, headed to where we can help.

———————–

My short story and essay anthology, Hope Floats: Stories on Loss and Living On, is free in the Kindle store through May 24th. The promotion was scheduled prior to the storm, but the message of moving on after a loss is definitely closer to home this week for many of us. Now go make the most of your day, your life.

Six reasons to fully experience the experience. #creativity #mojo

What does “experience” have to do with increasing creativity and mojo? I don’t mean experience in the past-tense as a cumulative effort, but the present moment. Right now, fully feeling whatever experience you’re going through and being fully present when you’re experiencing that moment. Your mind isn’t back in your work day or fast-forwarded to your butt planted in front of the TV or worse, tomorrow’s to-do list (unless you are actively sitting and writing down said list.)

I’ve had the most creative two years of my life as I make small adjustments to my schedule and routine and carefully curate who, what and where my life goes. I wouldn’t be able to do that if I wasn’t fully present to know (deeply knowing as a feeling) how to make those choices. In the last blog I talked about the importance of taking turns in life – and giving yourself permission to spend time with people and activities. But now I’m taking that a step ahead with HOW you are experiencing those turns.

1. Enhancing your creativity 

means being fully open to your surroundings – all five senses plus that important sixth sense (awareness of self having the experience, much like wakeful meditation.)

2. Increasing mojo and learning 

comes from allowing yourself to make the most out of every conversation and situation. Even “mundane” situations can provide very beneficial interactions and even enjoyment. Happiness can simply come from smiling at the mailman. Which I do. Every day. And you *will* miss a learning opportunity if you aren’t fully paying attention. Or miss that turn. Which I still do.

3. Amplifying gratitude brings more fulfillment and peace. I used to think gratitude was being grateful AFTER the fact, but have found if I practice 24/7 gratitude, I have more meaningful interactions all the time and it’s circular. I’m a witness to the gratitude as well as a beneficiary and messenger for the gratitude.
4. Mindful living decreases stress. When people say, “I don’t know how you do it,” when they see what I do in my personal and professional life, I can honestly say it’s because I try to be mindful in my actions, assess my mind/body/spirit space continuously so I know when to stop or slow down. I do know the more physically active I am the less stress I feel. (That’s science, not a breakthrough.) But it’s one of those things you have to experience for yourself to “get.” Being mindful also allows that sixth sense (the higher self) to diffuse an ugly situation and not internalize it. I make mistakes ALL THE TIME, but I normally hear about them quickly, don’t freak out, and create a FIX IT plan, whether that’s a revision or an entirely different plan b.
5. You don’t have to be “zen” to embrace experiential mindful living. However, you WILL become less uptight naturally. Which is the best, right? We’re not forcing ourselves to chill by checking it off a long to-do list. We naturally chill. If you think I’m a hippie “go with the flowy” type, that’s a label that probably wouldn’t stick because I am still a Type A Doer who sees that a Type B mindset can be beneficial to the harmony that we need to not give ourselves heart disease.
6. You end up attracting what you want in life. (That means actually asking for it, too.) See Thunder story below.

For some us, Seeing/Watching comes pretty natural, too, but we’re also talking about engaging when we can instead of just watching/being. Writers and many creative types are people watchers and can give you amazing details about what they just witnessed or experienced. But that frequency is available to all of us. Tune in instead of tuning out. 

Last night my teen son and I were invited to the Thunder/Memphis NBA playoff in Oklahoma City  with seats in the corner pocket just a few rows up from the floor. The seats were amazing, the excitement and energy of an NBA game is palpable, and I soaked it in. Now the Thunder puts t-shirts they would like players to wear during the game on the chairs as a sponsored freebie during playoff games.) I saw some Memphis fans in the section over and thought, “why not ask them for the shirts?” I know lots some family who’d love a free Thunder shirt. So I went up to the young guys, and they gladly handed them over. Then another Memphis fan two seats over gave me HIS shirt, too. And then when I told my friend about the three shirts I’d been given, he handed me his daughter’s shirt (it’s an XL, she’s 5.) So I asked for two shirts and eded up with four. I know that’s a small example of how the law of being mindful works. You often get even more than you ask for! You see an opportunity and have the confidence to go for it. I do the same thing when I’m pitching new client projects (which are valued in the thousands) and in taking risks which can have emotional and financial rewards.

I’ve mentioned before – and it’s worth repeating – that social media CAN enhance connection and mindfulness (such as taking a photo on Instagram to remember later and share your appreciation of it) as long as it doesn’t keep you from connecting with those IN REAL LIFE around you. I’m guilty of this and have to force myself to leave my phone or iPad in another room so I’m not tempted to see what’s happening online. But whatever works for you.

A small gallery from this week on moments I want to remember AND the covers for my upcoming summer books, TWIN FALLS and FAMILY CHARMS (click to see slideshow and captions).

With my MIL at THE GREAT GATSBY. A must-see for film buffs and romantics alike.

Literally “decked out” my deck with colors and patterns and comfort. My happy place.

How often do we forget the little things we get for Mother’s Days or birthdays? And it shows my hubby knows what – and who – I like. :)

Dance is a big part of my life because it’s my daughter’s life. Here this candid went from silly to hysterical when I noticed the dog peeing in the background.

In my two-year quest to create my dream vintage modern glam space, I’ve loved shopping for what’s “me.” This new leather sleeper sectional will be handy and it’s gorgeous.

While I vocally don’t like my daughter borrowing my iPad for dance videos, the stills are a reminder of her growth as a dancer. And I adore her.

Instagram lets me take these little slices of life – like beer, boots and basketball. My son didn’t want a picture, but he’s sitting next to me. A fun evening, even though we lost.

Cover reveal for my 5th women’s fiction novel, FAMILY CHARMS, coming in July!

Cover reveal for my upcoming young adult debut series, Messengers, beginning with TWIN FALLS.

Other Book News:

Get the young adult treasure hunt short story, TREASURE QUEST, by Cara Brookins, free in the Kindle store May 16-18th.

Will be announcing the summer “sisterhood” book tour (virtual and real life) soon! Stay tuned and thanks for reading. I’m also thrilled that my novel FIXER UPPER has overtaken LIFE’S A BEACH as my best seller. I love the story and am glad it’s being recommended and purchased more! I noticed it has only six reviews, so if you’ve read and loved it, I hope you’ll consider taking a  moment to leave a review to tell other readers about it. I appreciate you!

 

 

 

Making History Right Now

What does living authentically mean? My #truedo list:

• Learning, discerning, improving and believing.
• Purposeful action.
• Listening with an open mind with awareness to your reaction and thoughts.
• Trusting yourself to do what is best for you despite what others may think.
• Going for it.
• Living your passion, even if that’s only part-time or a hobby.
• Incorporating people, places and things that you love into your life.
• Carving away negative thoughts, actions and people.
• Understanding your true gifts WANT to be used, not hidden.

I’m celebrating women’s history month all month long on my author page over on Facebook. Isn’t it amazing the achievements that we’ve made in the last 200 years? Women have come a long way, but we don’t have to WAIT for our time to shine. We should bring our own sunshine, even though some days it feel darn near impossible.

If you like colorful shoes, wear them.

If your business, church or family life isn’t working for you, examine your heart and figure out why. And then take action.

Trying to find the good in all things is more than a character exercise, it’s a growth tool. What lesson can I learn from this? What beauty can I see? What do I have to be grateful for? What can I give back?

You can make history right now by trying something new, by expanding your horizons, by believing in yourself to make change and then going for it. I can speak to wanting to “do it all.” But I’ve been working for the last ten years on becoming a better listener. When the Universe (God) talks, I’m all ears. When I got an email from a local editor telling me that she had a young woman freelancing for her that was interested in working in publishing and PR, I knew it was a sign. Because I’ve needed help, but wasn’t sure how to go about finding it. I was nervous that saying “yes” to an assistant would mean I was somehow failing instead of seeing that it could help me grow (as well as relieving stress!)

And Kristine is working out beautifully. Because of her, I’ll meet and exceed my goals. I just need to be patient and trust and guide.

When I’m working with a branding client, I remember my place as both listener and consultant. They are paying me to advise them, but if I don’t listen well, I can’t produce the most effective results. The same goes with my authors at Buzz Books. I can’t build a name for them without them working 5x as hard as I am. We are each responsible for building our own tribe. I can only control my actions; not theirs.

That goes for each of us in our relationships.

So let’s make some history. In this case, Herstory, and review our goals for family, work, wellness and friendship and growth and plug in action plan to live authentically, joyfully and an open mind and heart. What’s on your list?

————————————-

Book news: DANCE MOM SURVIVAL GUIDE will be published March 12! I’m so excited it’s here and it’s been a complete blessing to work with my co-author Jill Martin on the book! I’m busy editing FAMILY CHARMS to get it to my editor for a July release in trade paperback and ebook. Also FIXER UPPER my DIY girl power novel is gaining traction and will be available in trade paperback later this spring. My first YA novel, TWIN FALLS is with my editor and will be released this summer under my pen name Lena Brown. Exciting, busy, wonderful!

Is JOY on your True Do list?

Standing in front of sixty business people last week, a familiar friend surfaced.

She visited again as I sailed down the hill in my neighborhood on my bike, just feet behind my 7 year-old.

Even more surprisingly, she showed up yesterday afternoon in downtown Edmond while I stood with a camera in front of two girls doing leaps and jumps I won’t even pretend I can pronounce.

The friend? Joy. Not a flesh-and-blood girlfriend, but the emotion that seems to sneak up on me when I least expect it. Why? Because I haven’t put her on the to-do list – which I’ve renamed my True Do list this year.

Last year was my hermit year. I worked like crazy, made good money, and was productive as hell. But. Make that, “BUT!!!” I was a wee bit stressed out, even after I started a regular practice of yoga and meditation (which helps immensely.)

But JOY? Not so much. We had some good times, some good trips, some fun family memories, but I didn’t feel joy. Was it me? Was I so stressed I didn’t let her in or was she so buried under my to-do list I didn’t let her catch a breath? Maybe. But no more.

My True Do list means I’m doing more for fun, for me, for replenishing and recharging. At first I was afraid it would be selfish, but then I realized it included other people! I’m saying yes to getting out there, like speaking to the LOYAL leadership class last week in Oklahoma City. I had a blast speaking about branding and got some great feedback. I thought, “I need to get out more often!” And when my little guy who won’t be little for long asks me to go ride bikes, I say, “yes.” No matter what I’m doing, I take a break and go for a quick ride, which is something I’ve loved to do since I was his age.

In writing DANCE MOM SURVIVAL GUIDE I get to work with one of my best girlfriends and we get to include our dancing daughters, which brings us all closer. That photo shoot was fun because I let it be. The girls were loving it and I got caught up in their energy. I felt young and light and almost like I could jump in the air like them! (But, um, no.)

I think the key to making joy a #truedo is saying yes to the fun, diminishing stress where we can and staying in the present moment where there is only the now, not a what’s-next. If you’re a list-maker like I am, why not keep a list of things that bring us joy? From the little things like putting my favorite creamer in my coffee (mocha) to how much fun I have Saturday mornings in hip-hop to the bliss I feel while gazing up at the moon and stars from my hot tub. What would me on your list?

How can you incorporate more joy in your life? Let me know if it sneaks up on you, too.

xo,

Malena

Understanding Grief

I woke up at 5:42 a.m. crying. I don’t remember if I dreamed, and I’m thankful I slept. I’ve gone to the dark place again, which is a short walk for me, just underneath the surface. I try to keep the door to this place closed and locked, but it opens on its own, turned by a trigger of some sort – a memory, a song or words that remind me of a loved one, or in this case, closing my work for the afternoon to see the headline staring at me about the children in the school. I can hear my 7 year-old breathing on my bedroom floor, where he picked to sleep. He doesn’t  know what’s happened in Connecticut and I asked his older brother and sister not to mention it around him, though I’d been upset all day and trying not to let him see.

Writing helps me find peace, lets out a bit of pressure I feel building in my heart. I’ve imagined it as letting air out of a tire. I feel better when I’m through. After living 30+ years with the ruminating dark thoughts, the label that stuck was Eckhart Tolle calling it a “pain body.” I got it. The best way to avoid the pain body taking over is to avoid those triggers, which is why I usually don’t read the news, too distressing, and it’s absolutely forbidden to click on links. I definitely don’t watch it on television. Seeing the words doesn’t give the sensory overload that TV does. In the case of Newtown, it was my way of keeping the story away from my little one. Empathy is a good thing, it’s what calls us to care and help, but it also opens the door when I feel too much too deeply.

I’ve been editing my short story collection on grief, “Hope Floats,” which is also peppered with essays about my own grief. I talk about the book in my last post, but what I realized when I saw them all as a body of work is that we are left with hope that we can all survive loss, though we are changed by it forever. I am who I am because I was estranged from my mother at four and raised by my grandparents and lost many people as I grew up, a classmate in 7th grade to suicide, a friend who tried to stop his drunken friend from hurting anyone but got killed himself when we were 19, and even as an adult, turning on the news one night and seeing the top story is about a friend who’d been gunned down in his garage. You know that house, you take a tour of the house in your mind. It’s unfathomable – shocking – that such things happen, and yet they do, and they continue to. Certainly you don’t want it to “define” you, but it becomes a big piece of the puzzle of your personality and the filter by which you make decisions, and a lens in which to see the world.

I’ve tried to understand grief in my writing. It’s a heavy state – the lead heart, the twisted stomach, the sting and pinch of tears – holding back and then letting go. It’s so physical, a true heartsickness, and yet I want the hopeful ending, for them, for you, for us.

From Dating da Vinci:

Another unfortunate side effect of widowhood wasn’t just the mess that my life had become, but the physical piles of grief everywhere I turned. I had become Linus and Pigment from Peanuts all rolled into one, only my security blanket was around my heart. … Neatness became a part of my past like so many other things: happiness, joy, adventure, love.

From Fixer Upper:

My grief had layers, and I imagined it was something like the Grand Canyon: fresh grief laid over old, erosion evident but never washed away for good. Bottom layer: Carter. Middle layer: my father. Top layer: Trevor. No wonder I felt my heart had a cavernous hole in it.

And from Hope Floats, “The Happy Place”:

I stared at the casket in front of me, but all I could see was the rectangular box from the Frigidaire Thomas had bought me for our fifth anniversary. Billy had played in the box for a week, until it could no longer withstand his creativity. Each time we crawled through, we would arrive in a new world. It became a secret tunnel in the woods where magic trolls lived, a pirate ship lost at sea, and a portal to another dimension. Planet Zingon, where all the superheroes vacationed. Cowboyland, where John Wayne and Clint Eastwood taught you how to fight bad guys. And, my personal favorite, Sugar Hill, where everything was sweet and edible.

“The grass tastes like apples,” Billy had said with authority, “and the trees’ bark is Hershey’s chocolate.” My favorite.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to live here forever?” he had asked as we sat on the strawberry taffy couch. “Where everything makes you happy?”

—Wishing you comfort and peace as you mourn and blessings and gratitude for those we love.

Keep Calm and Write On or Drama Begets Drama?

Is it possible to be at your best creatively when your life is at its worst?

So much has happened lately that disrupts life as we know it. Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, with many writer friends without power, which meant not only no wi-fi or computer to write on, but you could be hungry, cold and wearing dirty underwear to boot.

Then the election happened. Can you step away from the drama that media brings to the election to take time to create?

As much as yoga and meditation and re-routing thoughts have helped me live more “zenfully” as a creative writer and marketer (and wife/mom/human being), I’ll admit my

Avoiding election night drama by going to the theater!

stomach was in knots on election day. And social media is an absolute train wreck pre and post election. Losers whining. Winners bragging. And then feeling disgusted that people think it’s okay to say awful things. YET YOU JUST CAN’T LOOK AWAY. I was sucked in. I really don’t use social media as too much of an op ed vehicle, but I do like to comment on what others’ post. I even found I got in some word count that day for NaNoWriMo, though the next day I was toast thanks to staying up late and watching  the election results. I’d even gone to Mary Poppins on election night!

I simply can’t produce at my best when my life is full of drama.

For me, creativity is an outlet, but I have a tough time stepping into my fictional world if my real world is a mess. Which is why I try to keep my real world as drama-free as possible. The truth is that my fictional world is so full of conflict that the mental intensity it brings to my life has to be balanced by one void of conflict. This doesn’t mean, though, that my real world has to “Mary Poppins cheerful,” either. In fact, lately I’ve had severe lows which prompted me to write (yet another) short story on grief called “Pockets of Hope” about a young adult male coming to terms with what a lost love had meant to him and his future. It will be featured in an anthology with three other grief-finds-hope stories called Hope Floats coming Dec. 20th as an ebook exclusive.

For me, I can utilize a mental state (such as anxiety or sadness or even bewilderment) and create a mini world that I can control. So in a way, it’s my Type A tendency to control things that beckons me to write a story where I literally do get to control the outcome. (Though I’ll always claim the characters find their way out of it.)

I’d love to hear from you. Are able to “keep calm and write on” despite the drama in your life or does drama in actually aid your creative process?

_________________________________

Thanks so much for all of your support on the Something New book launch. 777 people registered for a chance to win a signed copy of the book on Goodreads. The tour continues so stay posted on where I’ll be by following my Malena Lott Author page on Facebook and will actually bump right into the next blog tour called “Sleigh Read” where Buzz Books’ authors will be taking turns discussing the holidays on blogs and giving away ebooks from our line. If you’re a blogger, contact me so we can get you scheduled. malenalott (at) me (dot) com

And this contest is going through the end of November. Email me your receipt for Something New and I’ll gift you one of my short stories on the Kindle.

Happy Birthday to SOMETHING NEW and My Grams Who Raised Me

I know something BIG is happening this week and it’s a different kind of “something new.” Election for POTUS is 11/6 and Tuesdays are also typically the launch day for books, which is why I’m declaring Nov. 5th the official birthday of my fourth novel, SOMETHING NEW. It’s available in trade paperback and ebook. It happens to be the birthday for my grandmother who raised me, Zola Mae Brown, who passed away of heart disease when I was 19 (she was just 60). It’s odd that she’s now been gone longer than she was in my life. How is this possible?

My grandmother is still ever present in my life. Like all mothers do, she molded me into who I am today. Even though she left us before I graduated college or got married or had babies or published a book, it feels like she’s been there. For my third childbirth, I decided to use hypnobirthing (no drugs) and I brought a picture of my grandmother to keep on my hospital bedside table. Having her picture in the room made me feel like she was a part of it, just as she’s been a part of me raising my children ever since. I hear her words coming out of my mouth. Her actions in my own. She was a stay-at-home mom, a good cook, kept an immaculate house, loved to garden. She was an “old-fashioned” wife and mom, the type of woman who at least on the surface seemed okay with the “housewife” term and obligations. She quilted. She made me and my sisters matching dresses.

Zola Mae and Evans Brown, shortly after they were married.

She loved country music. She was cool with DIY projects. Even though she only went to school through 8th grade, education was very important to her. From the time I was little, I remember her talking about us going to college. In many ways, we are good at opposite things. She was a country girl who became a domestic goddess. The only thing domestic about me is that I work at home. She pulled off elaborate holidays with eighteen grandchildren. I loved watching she and my grandfather two-step in the living room. She had to stand on her tip-toes. She also had a big crush on Tom Selleck.

Yes, she was very proud of her girls. She saved every achievement. No doubt I could feel her pride and wanted to make her even prouder.

Can you tell I miss her? That I’m choked up thinking about her? She was only 4’11″ so I surpassed her in height in junior high. She became my “cute, little grandmother,” though that didn’t mean she wasn’t boss. She could be tough. She expected us to follow the rules. But, dang, she was cute.

I love to write about families and, in particular, generations of families. In Fixer Upper, I put three generations together on the vineyard in eastern Oklahoma in an old farm house. In Something New, I’ve put three generations together in a loft in downtown Oklahoma City. It’s not a long shot to say I fantasize about that, my grandmother, sisters and my children under one roof. But, then, I guess we really are, aren’t we?

I can still hear her saying:

“It takes two to tango.”

“Don’t get in the mud with the pigs.”

“Marry for love.”

“Things will be better in the morning.”

“Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

“Rise and shine!”

A little gallery in honor of my grams. And for my grandmother’s birthday, I hope you’ll tell your mother, grandmother and other loved ones in your life how special they are to you. xo-Malena

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The Dark Side of Being a Writer

I’m not sure one “chooses to be a writer.” It seems more often that writing chooses the writer. Would a child who later becomes a vet tell people, “I can’t help myself! I couldn’t stop fixing all the wounded animals.” They may have been fond of animals. But were they obsessed with it? Would the dentist say, “I could not control myself from telling each person I encountered how they could have better dental hygiene. That made me unpopular in sixth grade.”

My point is that for many writers, the act is a compulsive one, an inner drive that a lot of creative disciplines share – that feeling of needing to create, despite how unpopular or crazy or financially unstable it might be. It’s why I went into journalism in college (with a 4 year journo scholarship) instead of professional writing. Yet I wrote fiction “on the side.” Badly, I might add. It tooks years for me to learn the craft and I çontinue to work to improve. One sentence and one story at a time.

I don’t mean to say that being a writer is something to be shameful or boastful about. The whole purpose of this blog is to honor creativity and find our mojo to create at our best and enjoy the present moment. But why do I concentrate on this? It’s because I know and see and embrace the dark side of this as a profession and an art.

Why “dark side?” Let me count the ways…
Many believe writers writer because of some sort of mental defect that enables them to conjure up these whole other worlds and live lives through these characters – from romance to murder to horror. All of that begins in someone’s mind. I think there’s a nugget of truth to that. I do think writers have abnormal minds, but I’m okay with that.

Many writers have obsessive personalities that enable them to dig in, stay with, and finish their stories. A story worm winds its way in our brain and just won’t leave until the whole tale is spun out. Just when we feel we get our mind back, another worm “pops up.” And so it goes.

Rejection. It’s interesting that a career with so much rejection – from those beginning critiques to sales figures and reviews by critics – happen to people who may already suffer from depression, dark thoughts, anxiety and worry to begin with. Certainly there is a scale here and it swings wildly from one side to the other. Since childhood, I’ve had anxiety, worry, an overactive imagination and bad thoughts. It may have started with early childhood separation from my mother, but I had to learn how to control my mind (and still do) to keep it reined in. I frequently re-route negative and dark thoughts and find sweet relief that my mind has created so many characters that readers have loved. I’ve enjoyed going on those journeys, too. Writing might be an escape because we constantly create “second lives.”

Jealousy. Again, it’s a profession where you belong to a community and some are plucked from the literary gods and become New York Times bestsellers while others languish in mid-list purgatory, get dropped from their publishers, or who can’t seem to catch a lucky break though they are superior writers to ones that somehow do. It’s a mystery to all of us. It is beyond our control and yet we think we can control it by writing something different, better, more marketable but the truth is, NOBODY KNOWS. Some self-pubbed authors make it, too, but the percentage is low as to who can quit their day job and do it full-time. And for each of us, the benchmarks may be different, but the envy is still there, because each of us do want success in whatever form that takes.

Loneliness. True, many writers are introverts, but not all. One of my bestie authors, Jenny Gardiner, is a wonderful extrovert and recently blogged that she found it hard to write when it was so damn quiet in her house due to being a new empty nester. Sure, we have online communities and writer groups, but it’s usually just you and your screen and that can get lonely. It can also feel awkward to talk about your story in progress because a) you sound insane and b) it makes no sense until it’s come together.

Guilt. I say guilt because as a wife and mother of three, I am spending time doing something that is an energy vaccuum. It doesn’t pay as well as my role as a marketer (any of you could insert your day job there) so until you really hit pay dirt, the “why the hell am I putting myself through this” really occurs to each of us at some point. However, we can’t help it. We keep writing. We feel guilty that the time we are investing in writing may mean the house isn’t as clean as it should be and we’re not being crafy like Martha Stewart or cooking amazing dinners or folding the laundry. My list is very long. And to boot, I’ve taken up publishing other authors, too so I’ve added that responsibility on. They could sell a lot. They could sell a little. But we’re in it together. Come what may.

Self-discipline. If we have the gift of obsession (see what I did there?) self-discipline may take care of itself, but the truth is because we are working alone and we have the story in our head, we alone are responsible for getting that first, second, third draft done and revising, polishing, submitting, resubmitting, copyedits, proofing, marketing and so on. It’s an arduous task.

The good news is we aren’t in the dark alone. Events such as “NaNoWriMo” which more than 200,000 writers will be participating in this November to write 50K novel, shows that the dream of writing and hopefully publishing a novel we are proud of is one shared by as many as 1 in 4 people. We know there are more of “our kind” out there, somewhere, whether or not we tweet with them or blog or meet them in person. We see the books in the bookstores and know – ah, one of “us” wrote it. Do I mean to say it’s not rewarding or enjoyable? No, it can be that but not always. It’s a roller coaster ride, a marathon, not a sprint. We all have stories we’d like to tell, but it does seem those who are bit by the writing bug for which there is no cure are the ones who will prevail.

Write on.

New:
Feel squeamish that the first batch of Something New paperbacks are on their way for the event at Castle and Quill on 10/28.
Got a new doggie, a shih tzu rescue from OK Save a Dog in Prague, OK. We named her Sadie Mae, and the 8 month old joins our 5 year old shih tzu Emmy June.